Don’t You Trust Me?

After tidied up the room, my uncle said that my cousin, Gary, will take me home. “Oh, no,” I said to myself. I’d rather go by bus than with Gary. He will ride his motorbike, the big one. Though I know how good Gary is with his motor, I am still afraid.

“Let’s go, sis!” said Gary when he was ready to take me home.

“Be careful and don’t go too fast!” my uncle said to his son. “OK, boss,” replied Gary with his smile.

Then, he and I were heading to the highway and my fear getting worsted. Many said that the biker will know when his/her passenger was very tense or afraid. “Are you afraid,” asked Gary.

“How many times you were riding with me and you still afraid?” he teased me.

“Of course, I am afraid. Don’t ride too fast, please.” He just laughed.

When we were in the highway, he didn’t slow down. I knew he was very skillful to ride in this heavy traffic jam, but still . . . Though he was fast, several motors are faster than him. When I kept talking to myself, “Please be calm, don’t be afraid,” suddenly on my left, I saw a man who rode with a small boy, perhaps his son. The boy was so calm. He just held the man’s waist and enjoyed the scenery. When we stopped at the traffic light, I say a woman who rode with a teenage girl. No worry in the girl’s face as soon as the woman hit the gas very fast when the traffic light turned to green. Me still stiff on Gary’s motor. What things made me so afraid to ride as motorbike’s passenger? List of “what ifs” was dancing in my mind . . . What if Gary runs too fast? What if he lost control of his speed and can’t hit the break? What if we fall? What if another motor hits us? What if there is accident? What if . . .

Before Gary hit the gas to make his motor faster, his question stunned me. “Don’t you trust me? I will never let you fall. Just relax and I will drive you safely.”

It seemed that he knew my mind? 🙂 I know that I am not as skillful as Gary when riding a motorbike. But I prefer to be the driver than the passenger. I can manage my speed (though I am well-known as the slowest rider) and how to ride my motor. Frankly, I am not brave enough to ride motorbike by own in the highways.

Gary’s question made me think, while I tried hard to calm myself. “Don’t you trust me?”

When for this simple thing—riding a motorbike with him—I can’t trust him fully, how I can trust something big or someone? It seems that I only prefer to trust myself. Though it isn’t always bad, but my percentage of trusting myself is very high. I need to learn to trust with all my heart and not lean on my own understanding, day by day, even with a simple thing like to ride a motorbike with Gary.

Reference: Proverb 3:5

Jakarta, 8 March 2018


When Bad Feelings Appear

“Birds flying high, you know how I feel. Sun in the sky, you know how I feel. Breeze driftin’ on by, you know how I feel. It’s a new dawn. It’s a new day. It’s a new life . . . for me. And I’m feeling good.”

Do you recognize the song? Yes, it’s Michael Buble’s “Feeling Good”. Hope that we always get good feeling all day, but it seems impossible since sometimes our surroundings can create bad feelings which will appear without notice. Bad feelings can appear in every where, whether you are at home, on the road, in the workplace, even during your vacation time. Anything can trigger them. For example in an office stuff, when you are a senior staff and suddenly your boss does not invite you to join an annual meeting, but your boss invites a junior staff who does not know anything yet about all the office products. Then how do you feel? For several people, they can feel irritated, miserable, inferior, inadequate, and perhaps stupid.

Do you know the real definition of each feeling? The Cambridge Dictionary helps us by giving a clear definition. Irritated is something that make (someone) impatient, angry, or annoyed. And then miserable is someone who is very unhappy, very severe or unpleasant. What about inferior? It appears when someone is feeling not good or not as good as someone or something else. Next, inadequate is when you feel not enough or not good enough. And the last one is stupid. It is when someone thinks that she/he is having or showing a lack of ability to learn and understand things, not sensible or logical, and not able to think normally because you are tired, angry, etc.

Those are just little examples of bad feelings which can affect anyone. Those are really ugly, aren’t they? What kind of reasons which can trigger the appearance of such  feelings? When the example is the senior staff, perhaps she/he thinks that her/his career is start to downgrade when it is compare with the junior staff career. Or perhaps she/he thinks that she/he is not usefull anymore in the office. And so many reasons . . . ugly ones . . . which can create such ugly feelings.

Then what can you do when bad feelings suddenly appear in front of your face? The easiest things to do is making excuses. You start make a list of reasons to explain why you are not as good as you think. Talking about excuses, there is one character in the Bible who gave many excuses when God asked him to do a task. Do you know who he is? Yes, Moses. Do you remember how many times he tried to avoid the task given by God? When you read chapter 3 and 4 of Exodus, you know that Moses implied to say “no” to God for five times. He gave reasons, reasonable ones, and perhaps we can say of how weak Moses is. Even God himself promised that He will be with Moses, gave Moses His name, and also provided Moses with capabilities to perform miracles. But Moses said that he was not good enough, could not speak well (really? After all of his education as an Egypt prince, this excuse is very lame), and the last excuse, the real one, is when he asked God to send anyone else. Oh, boy . . . but what if you are wearing Moses’ shoes? Will you do the same thing or you are brave enough to say, “Ok, Lord, I will go” when God asks you the very first time?

Is the last excuse that Moses gave to God the same as running away? So besides make excuses, someone tends to run away rather than dealing with problems that make her/him has bad feelings. The forms are varies, such as starting to get lazy to go to work, reluctant to do the works she/he loves before, does not want to get involve with the projects when the junior staff has some parts in them, etc.

Is there any positive traits to do when bad feelings appear? Some suggestions say that we can do something that make us happy when we are feeling blue. We can have vacation, watch a concert, do our hobbies, or even just make changes of the usual habits. For example, if we usually go to the office through the main road, we can try to find another roads. Or we can have lunch or dinner with our friends. If you like to write, perhaps you can make a list of daily gratitudes, something that you can give thanks to the Lord every day. And many things else which you can find and do when bad feelings start to gnaw your life. Then you can share the tips with us to help others who are in a blue mood too.

And we can sing with Buble, “. . . It’s a new dawn. It’s a new day. It’s a new life . . . for me. And I’m feeling good.”

Jakarta, 30 April 2017

kehendak-Mu atau kehendakku?

“Aku mau tas sekolah, warna pink,” kata Kiki via telepon.
Saat pulang ke Solo membawakan tas itu, kekecewaan menghiasi wajahnya. “Kenapa, dik?”
“Kok ga ada trolley-nya, budhe? Yang gambarnya Princess?”
Kupandang tas yang kubawa, memang tas sekolah, warna pink dengan gambar kucing hello-kitty. Tas lumayan besar yang muat untuk buku-buku sekolahnya, tetapi itu tak cukup memuaskannya.

Aku pun sering bersikap demikian dalam kehidupan doaku. Setiap doa yang kunaikkan, aku sudah memiliki skenario jawaban yang kuinginkan. Aku kecewa saat doaku tidak terjawab. Bukan karena Allah itu hening atau tidak mau menjawab, tetapi karena jawaban yang diberikan-Nya tak sesuai dengan yang kumau 😦

Sebenarnya doa lebih merupakan cara dimana aku bisa semakin mengenal Allah, semakin tahu kehendak-Nya, dan bagaimana hidupku bisa selaras dengan kehendak-Nya itu.

Namun prakteknya, seolah dengan doaku, aku meminta Allah untuk bertindak sesuai dengan keinginanku. Toh aku tidak berdoa demi kepentinganku sendiri. Aku berdoa agar si A sembuh, agar hubungan si B dan si C dipulihkan, agar diberi guru yang cukup bagus untuk melayani… Jawaban yang kuterima: si A dipanggil-Nya, si B pindah gereja karena tak mau lagi berurusan dengan si C, guru-guru yang ok justru resign dari pelayanan. So, does God really care about me? Sepertinya ini bukan karena Allah tidak mempedulikanku, tetapi karena jawaban-jawaban doa yang kuterima sama sekali tidak seperti yang kuharapkan…itu yang membuatku sering kecewa.

Dalam diskusi yang dilakukan oleh Haddon Robinson, Alice Mathews, dan Philip Yancey yang ditayangkan pagi ini, ada beberapa poin bagus tentang doa yang tidak terjawab.

1. God is not my accomplice to do my work, God is the work itself.
2. Prayer is a matter of trust, whatever the answer is and how silence God is, do I still believe in Him?
3. In my prayer, how can I be in line with His will rather than my own will?

Tayangan ini seperti me-recharge lagi baterai energi yang terhisap setiap kali kekecewaan melanda karena doa yang tidak terjawab…sesuai dengan keinginanku.

Belajar untuk mengatakan, “Jadilah kehendak-Mu, dan bukan kehendakku.”

Rabu, 3 Juli 2013

living or dying

“Have you ever think about dying?”
“Just raise your hand so I know who ever think about dying.”
“Ha…nobody raise a hand? No wonder since I believe all of you like to think about living…and not about dying.”

Those are parts that i can remember from the sermon last Monday at Agape chapel (14 Apr 2013). Actually the reverend shares from 2 Corinthians 5:1-21 to answer our struggles when we lost the passion to share Gospel and we become unfruitful.

The reverend said that we should think about mortal and immortality. We are mortal creatures and live in earthly tent, which are our body. One day, the earthly tent will be swallowed and we long for our transformation into our heavenly body…only when we know Christ and accept Him as our Savior. We must prepare ourselves since we dont know when our earthly tent will gone.

The word dying blows up in my mind again when the news of Boston tragedy spread in all kinds of media. Do the victims ever think that their lives will be gone when they are reaching the final line? I do not know, but maybe they never think about dying on the final line…they just think about winning, happiness of being participated in this big event, proudness since they can run for their love ones, and many more…but not dying. Still in my mind about the 8th years boy and the college student who passed away at that event, the mourning families and friends.

What about us? We cant escape from our own death. What are our preparations? Some people still afraid to think or talk about death or dying. There are some reasons: they are uncertain of where will they be after pass away–heaven or hell; or they are afraid of the dying process which seems very painful when the reaper shows up; or they think about what happen with their love one if they pass away; or they are not ready enough since they dont walk in the righteousness way; or many more reasons.

But ready or not, one day we will die. With Christ, nothing to worry about the valley of death. But still we need to prepare ourselves to maintain our thoughts, our words, our actions…so they can be in accordance to God’s way. And dont keep it to ourselves since we need to share it to others so that they are not worry or afraid about their death.

So when we think about living, dont forget to think about dying too…either our own or our beloved ones. Please make sure that they know Christ too.

Cheers 🙂

Jakarta, 14 April 2013


Saat ada teman melontarkan gagasan untuk trip ke Solo, benakku langsung berputar bagaikan gasing. Di mana mereka akan menginap? Mau diajak ke mana? Di mana tempat makan yang enak? Transportasinya bagaimana? Secara aku sendiri ga bisa nyediain semua itu karena memang kondisi tak memungkinkan.

Hal yang membuatku pusiang dan khawatir, rumahku super duper kecil dan berantakan. Selain itu juga hanya ada 2 kamar yang notabene sudah dipakai ortu dan my little sis. Terus ke-4 temanku mo kutaruh di mana? Lalu tentang tempat-tempat yang ok dikunjungi di Solo. Meski sejak bayi aku tinggal di Solo, terus-terang aku gelap dengan tempat-tempat menarik di Solo. Yang kutahu hanya keraton kasunanan dan Tawangmangu, dan menurutku 2 tempat itu tak terlalu menarik untuk dikunjungi 🙂 Sedangkan tempat makan yang enak…fiyuh, ini tambah ga ngerti lagi. My mom is a very good cook 🙂 Itu alasan kenapa aku ga tau tentang wisata kuliner di Solo. Tiap kali pengin makan tahu kupat, selat segar, timlo, nasi liwet, gado-gado…paginya ibu sudah ke pasar dan siangnya makanan yang diinginkan tersebut sudah tersedia di meja makan dan rasanya super duper yummy 🙂 Yang kutahu tempat makan yang laris manis adalah gudeg ceker Margoyudan, tetapi tempat ini mulai buka jam 2 dini hari dan sekitar jam 6 pagi sudah ga ada yang bisa dibeli lagi. Selain itu, hampir tiap minggu ortu selalu mendapat kiriman gudeg ceker ini karena kenal baik dengan ibu penjualnya 🙂 Mengenai transportasi, di rumahku hanya ada motor, ga ada mobil 🙂 Terus kebanyakan sarana transportasinya adalah becak. Ada Batik transSolo, yang mirip busway, tetapi ini pun jarang lewat karena warga Solo kebanyakan lebih suka bawa motor atau mobil sendiri.

Kekhawatiran itu membuncah saat mendekati akhir November. Trip direncanakan akan diadakan tanggal 28 Des 2012-03 Jan 2013. But I’m saved by the bell 🙂 Trip akhirnya dibagi 2, tak hanya ke Solo tetapi sekalian mo ke Jogja. Akomodasi di Jogja sudah kelar dan juga tempat-tempat yang akan dikunjungi. Tinggal mikir yang di Solo. Teman-teman sebenarnya hanya punya 2 keinginan untuk trip ini: nyari batik dan wisata kuliner…nah, justru itu yang bikin daku pusiang…

Great help I’ve got. Ada teman di Solo Baru yang mbantuin nyari info tentang tempat tinggal, tempat wisata, tempat makan, toko batik dan souvenir, juga bikin ‘trip rundown’ 🙂 Transportasi terselesaikan saat omku ‘tergerak’ untuk mbantuin keponakannya…it’s so sweet of him & his family. All my worries are solved with the help of my great friends and family.

Saat merenungkan lagi peristiwa tersebut saat menuliskan cerita ini, ada 2 sisi yang kontras. Sisi pertama tentang kekhawatiranku dan usahaku sendiri untuk menyelesaikannya. Sisi kedua tentang bantuan dari teman dan keluarga untuk melepaskan aku dari segala kekhawatiran, saat aku mau menceritakan bebanku. Dan sebenarnya ada satu sisi lagi, seorang Pribadi yang bekerja di balik layar untuk menepis dan menjawab all my struggles at that time and all the time. YOU and you all are great blessings to me 🙂 Thanks

Jan 30, 2013
the reminder of all struggles on Nov 2012 🙂

my poor reaction

I’m really surprised with my own reaction when someone shouts loudly, “Who will want to come tomorrow? Just to do the preparation of BC things. I will come and work!” How can she say like that? That’s my protest…in my heart 🙂

Actually, tomorrow is a holiday and no need to go to the office. The idea is that since BC will be held on Saturday (Jan 26), we can do many things for the preparation when we come to the office during tomorrow holiday. But what we can do? If we are in blank, don’t know what kinds of job still need to do, who will be willing to come? There will be a BC meeting almost by the end of the day. In my opinion, it is not wise to ask people to come tomorrow in this early morning. We can announce it during the meeting. It is different when we know things still need to do for the preparation and how much help is needed. I think all of us will come voluntarily tomorrow.

After talking about it with my roommates and the one who speak aloud the announcement, now I’m thinking about my reaction. Is it because I’m not willing to come? Since the morning announcement, I heard someone responds, “I will come also to work tomorrow!” Wow…the first responder immediately shows the willingness to come though still dont know things to do. How it is so different with my reaction? 😦 Also I regret with my reaction since I talk with the initiator, someone else says that the warehouse staff needs help to do all the packing for all BC things.

Still my mind protests…only several people who know about things to do. Why dont just open it up in the meeting? Oh my poor judgement, even the meeting has not been held yet when I’m writing this story. Be patience my heart and my mind…don’t judge of anything by what I feel and selfish thought.

23 January 2013

Moses story

Jangan mengharapkan kisahku seperti yang pernah tertulis di Alkitab. Aku menghirup udara segar secara langsung pada 21 Juli 2012 di RS Pondok Indah. Yeay….aku sudah berumur 1 bulan sekarang 🙂 Mama Nata melahirkanku secara ceasar. Menurut perkiraan dokter, sebenarnya aku bisa lahir normal tanggal 27 Juli 2012, tetapi Mama Nata diserang demam tinggi dan harus dirawat di rumah sakit. Mamaku ke rumah sakit untuk menangani demamnya, tetapi karena dikhawatirkan membahayakan hidupku, aku pun “terpaksa” dikeluarkan dari ruang hangat dan nyaman yang selama ini menyelimutiku.

Namun hari ke-5 setelah aku merasakan udara dunia, demam pun menyerangku juga. Dugaan dokter karena ada bakteri yang berhasil menyusup ke dalam tubuhku. Saat aku dalam ruang hangat di perut mama, daya tahan mama yang membentengi tubuh mungilku, tetapi saat aku terlepas dari ruang hangat itu, antibodiku tak cukup kuat untuk menahan gempuran bakteri itu. Ususku yang paling parah terkena infeksi karena tak ada gelembung-gelembung yang muncul seperti di usus bayi normal lainnya. Kata oma Rina, dokter tersayang yang menangani kasusku, aku harus berpuasa untuk mengistirahatkan ususku…hiks…hiks…

So selang pun bertebaran di tubuh mungilku….terhubung di pusar, di kaki, di tangan, di mulut … untuk menyalurkan antibiotik, makanan, dan mengeluarkan cairan lambungku. Rupanya bakteri yang menggempurku jauh lebih kuat daripada dugaan oma Rina. Setelah 7 hari tidak ada kemajuan, ultimatum penggantian darah untukku harus dilakukan. Tujuannya untuk meringankan kinerja hatiku dan agar bakteri-bakteri yang sudah kalah di dalam darah bisa dikeluarkan. Oma Rina menyarankan pada Papa Desmon dan Mama Nata untuk memindahkanku ke RS Hermina Daan Mogot. Katanya agar biaya penggantian darahku tak semahal di RS Pondok Indah. Dan per tanggal 3 Agustus 2012, aku berpindah dari NICU RS Pondok Indah ke NICU RS Hermina Daan Mogot. Ceritaku selanjutnya ada dalam tulisan berikut ini ya.

Sekilas update tentang kondisi Moses.

* Pasca penggantian darah yang pertama (termasuk asupan darah dari papa Desmon, kakaknya Nata, Andry, Yonatan Nadaweo, dan Berman) tgl. 3 Ags, kondisi Moses sangat stabil….tak ada demam, detak jantung ok, dan hasil cek darahnya sama sekali tak ada tanda “bintang”. Ini berlangsung dari tgl. 4-8 Ags.

* Rabu malam (8 Ags), ortunya (Desmon & Nata) dikabari jika Moses demam tinggi dan hasil cek darahnya memiliki beberapa tanda bintang lagi. Analisa dokter menyatakan bahwa infeksi bakterinya belum tuntas diatasi, meski tidak separah infeksi sebelum ganti darah. Diputuskan untuk ganti darah lagi yang kedua.

* Penggantian darah yang kedua dilakukan Jumat subuh, memakan waktu 4 jam untuk memasukkan 2 kantong darah sebagai pengganti dan 1 kantong untuk transfusi biasa (termasuk asupan darah dari Juni & Silfi).

* Jumat seharian sampai Minggu pagi kemarin kondisi Moses stabil, tetapi siangnya meski tak ada demam, denyut jantungnya tiba-tiba turun dan napasnya tersengal-sengal. Langsung dipasang alat bantu pernapasan.

* Bersyukur karena semalam, alat bantu pernapasannya sudah dilepas…yay!!! 🙂 sekarang sedang dilakukan penanganan untuk menormalkan trombosit dan CRP darahnya.

* Berharap sampai Selasa besok, kondisi darahnya sudah stabil dan infeksi bakteri bisa diatasi. Jadi tak perlu transfusi darah lagi. Ortunya cerita jika tubuh mungil Moses banyak merah-merahnya bekas tusukan jarum dan juga bekas plester. Selain itu, jika semuanya ok, Moses diizinkan menjalani treatment pemberian cairan lewat mulut. Selama 19 hari ini, Moses puasa minum. Rasa haus yang membuatnya sering menangis… 😥

* Mulai malam nanti, ortunya akan menginap di rumah ci Netty. Perjalanan PP tiap hari dari Cirendau (Depok) ke Hermina, membuat Nata mengalami beberapa kali pendarahan pasca operasi ceasar. Jadi diputuskan mencari tempat tinggal yang di dekat Hermina. Ci Lia sudah membuka kamar RBC untuk mereka, tetapi karena di lantai 4, Nata yang tidak sanggup. Kebetulan ada teman komsel ci Netty di Semanan yang juga temannya Desmon. Akhirnya Desmon & Nata bersedia untuk sementara tinggal di rumah ci Netty.

Btw, ini foto Moses yang diambil tgl. 2 Ags yang lalu dan juga Desmon & Nata di ruang Perina, Hermina. Masih minta tolong kalian untuk menyisipkan nama Moses, Desmon & Nata dalam doa-doa kalian.

Jakarta, 13 Agustus 2012