Don’t You Trust Me?

After tidied up the room, my uncle said that my cousin, Gary, will take me home. “Oh, no,” I said to myself. I’d rather go by bus than with Gary. He will ride his motorbike, the big one. Though I know how good Gary is with his motor, I am still afraid.

“Let’s go, sis!” said Gary when he was ready to take me home.

“Be careful and don’t go too fast!” my uncle said to his son. “OK, boss,” replied Gary with his smile.

Then, he and I were heading to the highway and my fear getting worsted. Many said that the biker will know when his/her passenger was very tense or afraid. “Are you afraid,” asked Gary.

“How many times you were riding with me and you still afraid?” he teased me.

“Of course, I am afraid. Don’t ride too fast, please.” He just laughed.

When we were in the highway, he didn’t slow down. I knew he was very skillful to ride in this heavy traffic jam, but still . . . Though he was fast, several motors are faster than him. When I kept talking to myself, “Please be calm, don’t be afraid,” suddenly on my left, I saw a man who rode with a small boy, perhaps his son. The boy was so calm. He just held the man’s waist and enjoyed the scenery. When we stopped at the traffic light, I say a woman who rode with a teenage girl. No worry in the girl’s face as soon as the woman hit the gas very fast when the traffic light turned to green. Me still stiff on Gary’s motor. What things made me so afraid to ride as motorbike’s passenger? List of “what ifs” was dancing in my mind . . . What if Gary runs too fast? What if he lost control of his speed and can’t hit the break? What if we fall? What if another motor hits us? What if there is accident? What if . . .

Before Gary hit the gas to make his motor faster, his question stunned me. “Don’t you trust me? I will never let you fall. Just relax and I will drive you safely.”

It seemed that he knew my mind? 🙂 I know that I am not as skillful as Gary when riding a motorbike. But I prefer to be the driver than the passenger. I can manage my speed (though I am well-known as the slowest rider) and how to ride my motor. Frankly, I am not brave enough to ride motorbike by own in the highways.

Gary’s question made me think, while I tried hard to calm myself. “Don’t you trust me?”

When for this simple thing—riding a motorbike with him—I can’t trust him fully, how I can trust something big or someone? It seems that I only prefer to trust myself. Though it isn’t always bad, but my percentage of trusting myself is very high. I need to learn to trust with all my heart and not lean on my own understanding, day by day, even with a simple thing like to ride a motorbike with Gary.

Reference: Proverb 3:5

Jakarta, 8 March 2018


sandwich any body? :)

How proud I am as her sister when she tagged several sandwich photos in her fb 🙂 My little sister is very happy when I called her three days ago. She told me about how easy to make those sandwiches and her ‘willingness’…hhhmmm, a little bit hard to grab by my mind…to made them for her friends. Hey…make one first for your big sisters 🙂

sandwich ala dinar

Jakarta, 15 March 2013

beautiful in His time

Early this morning, my little dearest sister texts me and send this picture. How a wonderful prayer. This verse reminds me that God will make all things–good and bad–beautiful in His time, not in my time.

She is still in her recovery stage and today will be her 3rd times to see the doctor and change the bandage if necessary. She tells me that her elbow is much better and i hope she can move easily her right arm soon, then she can get back to her school which she miss so much. So, thank you for all the prayers for her.

Jakarta, 22 October 2012

[how can I] count your own blessings

Finally my little sister had her surgery on Friday nite, 10-12 pm. The surgery actually will be held on the next Saturday morning, but because the surgical will be used, my sister’s schedule is changed to Friday nite.

After the surgery, all her right arm is being wound around with a bandage. So now she cant move it or do everything. My mom becomes her helper when she wants to pee, to take a bath, to eat, to change her clothes…all depends on my mom’s help.

On Sunday morning (7 Oct 2012), the doctor says that she can go home … yey!! 🙂 But, my mom’s tasks are not over yet. She becomes Dinar’s babysitter … Dinar, the giant baby 🙂 Just feel sorry since I cant help my mom yet. 

Sunday moves forward and Monday arrives. My mom says that the bandage is wet at several places, at Dinar’s wrist and upper arm. A new blister appears in her palm, near her right little finger.

I start to think about her wound…what will happen with her skin after the restoration? What if it makes her  of having low self-esteem? And another worries I’ve got for her. I ask God, why bad things happen to her? Once I called her and she said that her right palm swells and it is like the monster’s palm. How cant I cry to hear her sentence?

My worries consume me to much. “Count your own blessings,” someone says, “when your worries have become a heavy burden for you.” You know, it is not an easy thing to do, especially if you are the one who face the problem. I want to help Dinar if some days she needs my support so that she can move on with her life and her scars. But even now, I still need help to conquer my own worries.

What can I do now? Here are things that I can do. I give thanks to the Lord:

* I can see the smile in her face

* since only her right arm which is injured, and not her whole body

* for her friends and teacher who move quickly to take her to the hospital

* the surgery went well and for good doctors. On Sunday morning she can go home

* for the money which He provided to pay all the hospital payments

* for her friends and my folks’ friends who visit and pray for her

* for the health of my mom and my dad who take care of her


I pray that:

* She will get her recovery soon and go back to school again

* The wound do not create “a serious scar” and her new skin layer is not too scary

* God gives patience, wisdom, and good stamina for my folks in doing their own activities and to take care of Dinar.

So, just hope the best dan pray for her recovery. The bandage will be changed on Friday (12 October 2012). That’s the way I count my blessings. Any other ideas?



Jakarta, 9 October 2012

a new blessing?

The rain is so hard tonite. I’m still in the course place and don’t know when I can go home. It’s already 7 pm and the rain start to slow down and finally it stops. But…when the rain stops, vehicles, especially motorcycle, start to fulfill the main street in front of the e-nopi office. Oh boy…the water is also welling in every roadside and the road must be slippery enough.

Have to move on if I wanna go home. After put on my raincoat, I leave the office with my motorcycle. Can not move faster since all the cars and motor move slowly. I chose to run in the middle part of the road to avoid the welling water in the roadsides. Though slowly, finally I reach my home at 7.45 pm. Thanks God.

After clean up myself and my room, I check my handphone and there is one miscalled from my mom. When I call her back, almost I cry when she told me that my little chef is in hospital now. Dinar, my youngest sister, the little chef, got an accident in her school kitchen in the afternoon.

She would cook rawon with her group. When she wanted to taste the soup with a wood spoon, suddenly the pot, which full of hot sauce, moved and fell down. The hot sauce poured out on her right arm. Her friends and her teacher immediately took her at Panti Waluyo hospital…by motorcycle 😦 My poor little sister

Dinar’s friend who took her in his motor couldn’t find the UGD room. He asked satpam, but got no answer. He started to panic since he saw that Dinar looks in pain. Finally, they could reach the UGD and Dinar got the treatment.

The hospital calls my folks after 4 pm and inform them that Dinar is getting treatment for the blister in her right arm. Then they hurry up to the hospital. When my mom calls me, I’m still struggle in the slippery road.

“She is ok,” my mom said. “Waiting for all the blisters ‘explode’, then she will taken to the surgical room to clean up the ‘death skin’.” Just cant imagine how painful it is.

Hope she will be better soon. For my mom and my dad too. Just find out that they argued about the room. My dad doesn’t want to put her in the first class since it will be expensive. But when looking at the blisters, actually a private room is needed since she cant wear any clothes for a moment because there are so many wounds and it will take days to recover. In one side, I know the reason why my dad disagree to put her in the first class. We dont how to get the money to pay back all the cost. Though there is insurance from her school, we have to pay it first and we dont know how to get the money.

So, it is decided to put her in the second class. The room has two beds, and no TV for the one who accompany her, which is always my mom. Need to figure out how to help my mom so that she isnt bored when there is nothing to do in the hospital…when my little sis is sleeping. I wish I could replace my mom 😦

This morning I check Dinar’s facebook. Yesterday morning she posted a message: “new day, new morning, I’m ready for a new blessing.” And at yesterday also at 2 pm, she’s got the accident (4 October 2012). Is it her new blessing?

Jakarta, 5 October 2012

my little chef

She was still 9 years old when I left her. Stil in the 4th grade of her elementary school. I still remember the crying, the pain, and the emptiness when I dont live together with her anymore.

But now, my dearest little sister is almost 15 years old. Six years has been passed and now she becomes a teenager, not a child anymore.

She is really dependent now, though still clumsy in doing the household works 🙂 Start from riding her bycicle, boiling water, cooking indomie, frying tofu, and many more. All cant be achieved by her if i lived with her since i spoiled her so much, the youngest sister in the house.

For my surprise, yesterday she sent me pictures of 3 kinds of food she made with her school group–rujak, gado-gado, and 3-colors of porridges. Wow…my little sister can cok real food now 🙂 Yes, after graduated from her junior school, she chose to go to SMK and not SMA. Though SMK is very far away from our house, she still decides to chose SMK and go to Boga division. She has a vision to continue my mom’s business as a caterer. Even i do never think about take over my mom’m….i cant cook and i dont like to cook….i just like to eat :))

But my spoiled little sister has such kind of vision. Yes, she is the one who stays with our parents now. At first, she wants to be an English teacher, perhaps she wants to follow my step. But when she lives day after day for 6 years, without my interference, she already changes her mind 🙂 She, who never willing to help my mom whenever there were catering orders or help to cook when i stay around, is the only daughter who wants to follow and continue my mom’s step.

Good job my dear. Keep up your dream to become a great chef.

Jakarta, 11 September 2012

my little hani

Sepulang kantor (Senin, 16 Juli 2007), aku bergegas menuju rumah sakit. Bersyukur karena ada Tina sehingga bisa nebeng mobilnya sampai di halte busway yang paling dekat dengan kantor. Jalanan cukup lengang dan penumpang busway pun tidak terlalu berjubel seperti biasanya. Ada temen sekantor yang naik busway juga dan kami pun berpisah di halte Harmoni. Setelah ganti busway, aku sampai di rumah sakit jam 18.50. Yang kujumpai di kamar perawatan hanya sepupuku. “Hani masih di HCU (High Care Unit),” katanya. “Baru keluar dari ruang operasi jam 17.00,” lanjutnya. “Lama sekali operasinya,” batinku ketika menyusuri lorong menuju ke lantai 3, tempat ruang HCU berada. Sesampainya di HCU, om Joko dan beberapa tanteku sudah ada di sana. Setelah memakai baju khusus ruang HCU (yang sebenarnya ga ku tau apa fungsinya karena toh naruhnya di ruang luar juga), aku bisa masuk ke ruangan dan melihat Hani sekilas. Di kepalanya ada perban besar dan banyak selang yang dipasang di tubuh mungilnya — selang infus, selang oksigen, denyut jantung, pengukur tekanan darah, dan entah apa lagi. Jam bezuk pun berlalu dan aku pun harus ke luar dari HCU termasuk mamanya. Sempat terdengar dia memanggil, “Mama …” … tetapi mamanya pun tetap harus ke luar ruangan. Jika dia nangis, baru lah mamanya dipanggil oleh perawat.

Percakapan-percakapan ini adalah hasil cerita dari om Joko saat menjelang operasi ….

“Hani ga mau potong rambut, Ma … pengin rambut panjang…”
(“Tapi nanti dokternya akan memeriksa kepala Hani di bagian ini ni .. di belakang kepala. Kan ga keliatan jika rambutnya tidak dipotong. Ntar juga cepet tumbuh lagi kok,” bujuk mamanya. Karena rambutnya tebal, Hani pun diboyong ke salon yang ada di dekat rumah sakit. Dia nyalon dulu sebelum dioperasi karena pisau cukur perawatnya tidak bisa mengatasi ketebalan rambutnya. Kepalanya pun dibotakin 🙂 )

“Ma … Ma … infus itu apa?” cecarnya ketika perawat hendak memasangkan infus di tangannya.
“Sakit ga, Ma?” tanyanya
(“Infus itu obat cair. Hani perlu obat dan nanti obatnya jalan lewat selang ini nih. Sakitnya seperti digigit semut. Sakit sebentar kok … Hani pengin cepet sembuh, kan?” jelas mamanya.)

“Ma … aku dibawa ke mana? Aku ga disuntik kan, Ma?” tanyanya ketika tempat tidurnya didorong menuju ke kamar operasi.
(Ga … nanti Hani tidak disuntik. Hanya diperiksa saja kepalanya. Dokternya sudah nunggu di ruangan itu tuh,” jelas mamanya sambil menahan tangis.)

“Da…da…, Ma …da… da…,Pa, da… da… Eyang,” kata Hani ditengah isak tangisnya sambil melambaikan tangan ke mama, papa, dan eyangnya saat pintu kamar operasi menjadi pembatas yang tidak bisa dilalui lagi. Tangis pun pecah begitu pintu itu tertutup rapat dan Hani tidak terlihat …

Detik demi detik berlalu … sejak jam 12.30 masuk ke kamar operasi. Sudah 2-3 jam berlalu tapi tidak ada tanda-tanda Hani dikeluarkan dari kamar operasi. Akhirnya jam 17.00 pintu kamar operasi pun terbuka dan Hani pun dibawa keluar. Dia sudah setengah sadar dari pengaruh bius totalnya.

“Pulang … Ma,” ujarnya lirih saat melihat mamanya.
(“…pulangnya nanti ya …Hani sembuh dulu supaya bisa cepat pulang,” hibur mamanya. Dan Hani pun tertidur lagi.)

Tiba-tiba dia berteriak, “Ma … buang, Ma … guntingnya itu, Ma. Hani takut, Ma,” jeritnya.
(“Hani … guntingnya sudah tidak ada. Sekarang mama sudah ada di sini. Ga perlu takut, ya,” kata mamanya. Rupanya Hani menggigau karena pengaruh biusnya masih bekerja.)

“Ma … Ma … jangan pergi ya,” pintanya. Itu kalimat yang kudengar langsung saat menjenguknya di HCU. Setelah itu, dia tertidur lagi.

My little Hani … cepat sembuh ya, sayang … Itu harapan kami semua. Biang keladi dari melimpahnya cairan di otaknya sudah ditemukan. Ada daging tumbuh seujung jari yang menyumbat saluran cairan di kepalanya. Cairan sudah dibersihkan dan daging penyumbat itu juga sudah dibuang. Sekarang tinggal menetralkan jumlah cairan di kepalanya dan selang masih terpasang di kepalanya. Setelah volume cairan netral, selang itu pun bisa dilepas.

My poor little Hani …

Jakarta, 19 Juli 2007