Don’t You Trust Me?

After tidied up the room, my uncle said that my cousin, Gary, will take me home. “Oh, no,” I said to myself. I’d rather go by bus than with Gary. He will ride his motorbike, the big one. Though I know how good Gary is with his motor, I am still afraid.

“Let’s go, sis!” said Gary when he was ready to take me home.

“Be careful and don’t go too fast!” my uncle said to his son. “OK, boss,” replied Gary with his smile.

Then, he and I were heading to the highway and my fear getting worsted. Many said that the biker will know when his/her passenger was very tense or afraid. “Are you afraid,” asked Gary.

“How many times you were riding with me and you still afraid?” he teased me.

“Of course, I am afraid. Don’t ride too fast, please.” He just laughed.

When we were in the highway, he didn’t slow down. I knew he was very skillful to ride in this heavy traffic jam, but still . . . Though he was fast, several motors are faster than him. When I kept talking to myself, “Please be calm, don’t be afraid,” suddenly on my left, I saw a man who rode with a small boy, perhaps his son. The boy was so calm. He just held the man’s waist and enjoyed the scenery. When we stopped at the traffic light, I say a woman who rode with a teenage girl. No worry in the girl’s face as soon as the woman hit the gas very fast when the traffic light turned to green. Me still stiff on Gary’s motor. What things made me so afraid to ride as motorbike’s passenger? List of “what ifs” was dancing in my mind . . . What if Gary runs too fast? What if he lost control of his speed and can’t hit the break? What if we fall? What if another motor hits us? What if there is accident? What if . . .

Before Gary hit the gas to make his motor faster, his question stunned me. “Don’t you trust me? I will never let you fall. Just relax and I will drive you safely.”

It seemed that he knew my mind? 🙂 I know that I am not as skillful as Gary when riding a motorbike. But I prefer to be the driver than the passenger. I can manage my speed (though I am well-known as the slowest rider) and how to ride my motor. Frankly, I am not brave enough to ride motorbike by own in the highways.

Gary’s question made me think, while I tried hard to calm myself. “Don’t you trust me?”

When for this simple thing—riding a motorbike with him—I can’t trust him fully, how I can trust something big or someone? It seems that I only prefer to trust myself. Though it isn’t always bad, but my percentage of trusting myself is very high. I need to learn to trust with all my heart and not lean on my own understanding, day by day, even with a simple thing like to ride a motorbike with Gary.

Reference: Proverb 3:5

Jakarta, 8 March 2018


Bright Yellow?

Yellow is not my favorite color. But this morning, suddenly I became a yellow fanatic fan. When I went to the toilet to remove the residual fluid excreted by my kidneys, I really surprised because the color was no longer bright yellow, but it was almost red. How come since my period was finished last week?

“You need to drink much water to clear up the color,” said one of my friends.

I followed her suggestion and tried to make myself busy with office works so that I did’nt think about it. The 2nd time I went to the toilet, my urine color didn’t change a bit.

“Perhaps after lunch,” I said to myself and kept the positive thinking. But after lunch, the color stayed red, no matter how many glasses of water I drink 😦

Worry slowly infiltrated my mind and my heart. After lunch, quickly I consulted Mr. Google to know all reasons which can change the urine color. The results were not make me happy at all, such as a possibility of urinary infection, or early symptoms of kidney failure, or symptoms of hepatitis, or carotene excess in the body, etc. Indeed, since morning, I didn’t feel good with my tummy and easy to bloat every time I ate spicy or sour food. My worry crippled me. I can’t focus on my works at that time, forgot my appointment with my friends, forgot to call my sister, and many more. Too much worry crippled me 😦 Since there was no changes in the color after office hour, I immediately sought information about medical check up (MCU) at the nearest hospital.

Then I tried to remember the food I ate yesterday and the days before. There were no strange food I ate last week and yesterday I just cooked broccoli and carrots. Was it few slices of carrot caused the carotene excess and make my tummy swirled? Or was it because of too much stress due to increasingly office tasks?

I tried not too focus on the problem, but I failed. Even the arrival of Selmi, my best friend didn’t help either. She asked for some translations, but I help her halfheartedly. She thought that I was tired and sleepy, so she didn’t stay any longer. Before left my room, out of the blue she asked, “Was your pee red all day?”

How can she know?

“Yes!! I’d been anxious all day because of it. I googled it for the reasons and the results made me worry.”

Easily she replied, “It was because we ate red dragon fruits last night, Sis. No need to worry.”

Just because eating the dragon fruit?? Suddenly my burden disappeared. The dragon fruits, the red ones, were the culprit which made me worry all day. Were they? 🙂 I googled again about the red dragon fruit. The results said that it has high content of antioxidant and carotene. The fruit is very good for maintaining our health. And when you eat it, don’t be surprised when you don’t get your bright yellow pee 🙂

Worries didn’t give me any good that day, even made me forgot to bring in my prayer. My execuse was that it’s just a simple thing, no need pray about it. Just a simple but makes me worry all day? So, whether it’s big or just a simple, I know that I can tell Him everything. Too much worry is not healthy.

Reference: Philliphians 4:6

Jakarta, 26 February 2018


Anybody knows the meaning of hesed? Hesed or chesed is an old greek word which means the loving-kindness, but which is over the top. When someone gives his abundant love to a person who doesnt deserve to accept his love, this someone shows hesed.

Talking about hesed, there is a discussion after the staff devotion this morning. We all are watching DVD That You May Be Certain and one of the parts is talking about the parable of the prodigal son (Luke 15).

Now I just write what things come up in my mind after reading the three parables in the Luke 15. So it’s just my opinion 🙂

The first parable is about the man who has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. The second parable is about a woman who has ten silver coin and loses one coin. The third one is a certain man who has 2 sons–the younger son wasted his possessions with prodigal living and the older one lived a good living in his father’s house.

The younger son who comes back and wants to live as his father’s slave get hesed (a kind of love which is over the top) from his father, but not from his older brother who does not happy with the coming back of his younger bother.

Someone ask a question of what we should do as the older son so that we do not get lost too? I just think a different lesson from the 3 parables. At first, it seems that the older brother envies with his father’s love who accept his younger brother and celebrates his coming back with a party. The older one who is very angry to his father says, “I obey and serve you and I dont get a young goat to make a party with my friends?”

But i think he is not angry over the young goat or a party for him. Actually he is angry with his father’s way in treating his younger brother. Perhaps in his mind he says that his brother doesnt deserve to get hesed from his father because of his prodigal living.

When we compare it with the two parables…the shepherd and the woman with all their hearts willing to look for the one sheep and one silver coin which lose. But why it is hard to do the same with the sinner?

The audiences of those parables are pharisees and scribes. So, the younger son is the sinner, the older son is pharisees and scribes, and the father is God.

It seems that God teaches me to accept and full of joy when a sinner makes a repentance. Is it easy? No! I have my own judgement for each people. For A & B, I am happy for their repentance, but not for C. But God teaches me to love and accept all kind of people the same as my willingness to search for either my “sheep or coin” which lose.

Second lesson, I tend to keep the secret of my joy for my own. I dont want to share so that other people can find their joy too by knowing Jesus. This is a wrong attitude. If I know the source of the real joy, I must share it to others though in my mind they dont deserve to know the secret.

Hhmmm…those just what i thought after the devo time on Wednesday morning.

Jakarta, 17 April 2013

think of God

Question for today: how often do I think of God in my daily life? Actually not in every day I think of Him. Only when I find something unique or when I face a problem or when I’m in a difficult time…hhmmm, so I just remember and think of God only when I need Him…oh dear

Last Sunday (14th October 2012), I’d got a chance to go Kota Kasablanka mall at Jakarta Selatan. I went there with a friend and then we met one of our trip’s friends at the mall. The transportation is little bit easy, take a busway to Karet shelter, take the side which is across the Le Meridien, follow the stairs and find the mikrolet 44. After passing the Ambassador mall, Kuningan city, and a cemetery, finally we arrived at the mall. Only for one purpose, to see the expo of Binus students of DKV (Desain Komunikasi Visual) department.

When seeing all their finale projects, the last requirement to finish their study at Binus, I just think how creative are all the students. Room design, book design, cover design, 2D animation, 3D animation, and many more. Several topics for each design, Indonesian fables, traditional stories, food, animals, Indonesian heros, famous people, and so on. All their creativities remind me about God Almighty. The arts which God puts them in their mind, heart, and hand are just a tiny part of His own creativity. Just amaze to see their works and to know their efforts…more amaze to know the real Creator who create the kids and their creativities.

Another event that makes me think about God is when I call my mom to ask about my little sister. Yesterday is her second check-up and to change the bandage. The first check up is on 8th Oct and only my dad and my uncles who take her to the hospital. She told me when the doctor and the nurse tried to remove the old bandage. Since it was become sticky to her wound, the nurse need many liquid to moisten the bandage so it can be removed. Also a big sharp scissors…if I am the one who take her to the hospital, I will collapse first when seeing the medication 😦 Then the second check up is on 12th Oct. Now she went with my folks. The doctor said that she is not allowed to bent her elbow. It has to be straight.” Since it’s not straight enough according to the doctor, so he twists my sister’s right arm. The wound is still wet and very hurt when the doctor twists the arm. My mom told me that my sister cried out loud for the pain…Oh, my poor little sister… 😥

When I’m looking at my own elbow, its appearance isn’t nice actually. It’s darker than the other skin and it looks “ugly” because of the wrinkles. But when I remember the pain of my sister because of the wound in her elbow, it reminds me about my dear God. How can He create such kind of skin so that I can move, bend, twist my arms easily. I just pray that my sister wound, especially in her elbow and arm pit, will heal rapidly as it is and she can move her right arm without any difficulties after the accident.

Those are two events that make me think about my God. To give thank for everything He has already given…bad or good ones…since all are the proofs of His love and His mercy and He knows the best for me.

Jakarta, 16 Oktober 2012

a word of praise

Being gifted as an editor, it can be a blessing and also “a curse”. In one side, I’m really grateful for the eyes which can find some mistakes in a text, then give command to my fingers to dance on the keyboard. But in the other side, I just think that this unique talent can be a curse too since my eyes are automatically finding mistakes first rather than expressing praise.

I encounter this fact every time I am dealing with the Graphic team. Whenever Graphic do the draft of one design, I always and always look for the mistakes first. No words of praise burst out from my lips 😦

But when I take the draft to the project coordinator, the first words produce from her mouth are, “It’s really beautiful. The design, the color … I never think that the text can be put nicely and beautifully.” After that, she starts to examine the text. Though she finds several mistakes in the sentences and suggests the revision, her attitude makes me stunt. How can’t I be like her?

That’s a good lesson from her. I confess to her that I want to have an attitude as she did whenever I’m dealing with any kinds of draft. In my opinion, giving praise is not a one-day lesson, then I can be “a master”. It is a process, a hard one for me relating with my editor eyes. But I want to learn it day by day. Not just giving a perfunctory praise, but a sincere one.

The right word at the right time–beautiful! ~Proverb 15:23b

Jakarta, 21 June 2012

PS: Thanks to Kak Frisca for the lesson 🙂 [sales alert SON 2012]

ukuran siapa yang kupakai?

Beberapa hari ini aku mencoba untuk mengingat apa yang sebenarnya membuatku gampang iri hati atau cemburu. Merunut dari beberapa cerita yang kutulis ditambah dengan beragam pengalaman yang telah kualami semenjak di Solo sampai di Jakarta sekarang ini, aku seperti berhadapan dengan sebuah cermin besar. Aku melihat ada pola yang hampir serupa setiap kali aku jatuh dalam hal cemburu atau iri hati.

Aku menginginkan perhatian dalam bentuk yang sama. Dengan kata lain, jika orang lain mendapatkan A, aku juga harus mendapatkan A. Seringkali bentuk ini lebih mengarah kepada materi tetapi bukan berarti aku cewek matre lho 🙂 Contohnya seperti yang kutulis dalam cerita “Who is my fairy-god father?” dan “Aku Cemburu …” Keinginan untuk mendapatkan materi yang sama ini telah membutakan mataku. Ketika aku mendapatkan B ketika beberapa orang mendapatkan A, aku sudah mengeluh dalam hati. Mengapa dia hanya memberikan B? Apakah aku tidak pantas mendapatkan A?

Setelah kusadari, sikap itu kan aneh. Ya jelas terserah sang pemberi ketika dia berkehendak memberikan sesuatu kepada orang lain. Aku kan ga bisa ngatur atau protes karena pemberian itu keluar dari hati. Tentunya dia juga mempunyai pertimbangan sendiri, mengapa memberikan A kepada teman-temanku dan memberikan B kepadaku. Selain itu, ada kemungkinan bahwa B yang diberikannya itu jauh lebih sesuai dengan kebutuhanku.

Karena itu, dari pola yang pertama ini, solusi yang harus aku lakukan adalah mengucap syukur dengan apa yang diberikan kepadaku dan merasa cukup dengan apa yang kumiliki. Dengan kata lain, menahan keinginan untuk memiliki “lebih”. Namun, apakah keinginan itu salah? Tidak sih … tergantung apa yang kuinginkan. Jika sudah sampai ke taraf cemburu hati atau iri hati, aku harus tahu kapan aku menghentikan keinginan untuk mendapatkan “lebih”. Juga belajar tidak menyesali ketika apa yang kuterima “tidak sama” dengan yang diterima oleh orang lain.

Babak ini benar-benar mengajarku untuk tidak mengandalkan pemikiranku sendiri. Jika aku mempunyai sikap seperti ini kepada teman-teman di sekelilingku, apakah aku juga memperlakukan Allah dengan cara yang sama? Apakah aku akan bersungut-sungut dan iri hati ketika Allah memberikan berkat yang beragam kepada orang-orang yang dikasihi-Nya? Waduh, jika aku terus-terusan mengandalkan pengertianku sendiri dan nyaris melupakan segala kebaikan-Nya yang telah kurasakan, aku bisa stres nih karena mengukur segala sesuatu dengan ukuran dan pengertianku sendiri.

Uniknya, ada hal kecil yang membuatku tersenyum pagi ini. Seperti biasa, jika ada bahan khotbah yang disiapkan boksu, aku diminta untuk memperbaiki kalimat Indonesianya. Aku seneng sih untuk membantunya meskipun aku menganggap dia sama sekali tidak menaruh perhatian padaku … kecuali untuk editing 🙂 Setelah selesai proses editing itu, boksu pergi ke dapur dan ternyata memotong roti yang menjadi bekal untuk sarapan paginya. Roti daging bertabur abon 🙂 Dia memakan sepotong dan potongan lainnya ditawarkan kepadaku. Wow .. aku terkejut juga karena tawaran itu diberikan. Sayangnya, aku masih kenyang. Jadi tawaran itu kutolak dengan halus. Akhirnya aku menerima “sedikit” perhatian darinya dalam wujud roti 🙂
Meskipun demikian, hatiku tetap tersentuh. Benar-benar rugi jika aku terus berkutat dalam kecemburuan dan iri hati yang berasal dari ukuranku sendiri.

Ayat referensi: Amsal 3:5-6; Matius 20:1-16; 1 Timotius 6:6-8

Jakarta, 03 Mei 2007

tabur tuai

Masih ingat kan tentang cerita kematian tanteku pada tanggal 31 Maret yang lalu?

Nah, Sabtu siang kemarin (21 April), aku menyempatkan diri untuk pergi ke Senen. Sambil menenteng 4 bungkusan bakso, aku berangkat ke Senen naik busway. Sempat deg-deg-an juga karena aroma baksonya masih tercium meskipun tas plastiknya sudah kurangkap. Aku takut jika aroma bakso mengganggu penumpang busway. Karena bus AC, jadi segala macam bau pasti langsung tercium. Itu alasan mengapa duren dilarang keras masuk busway. Karena ga semua orang bisa tahan dengan aroma duren. Ketakutan yang sama kualami saat membawa bakso itu ke dalam busway. Bersyukur ga ada yang protes meski baunya juga sempat tercium, tetapi langsung tertutup oleh aroma wewangian otomatis yang ada di busway.

Sesampainya di Senen dan makan siang bareng om Joko dan mbah kung, ada kesempatan untuk ngobrol dengan om Joko. Dia cerita jika pak RW menjadikan keluarganya sebagai teladan. Keluarga yang tidak pernah bertengkar dan ada rasa kekeluargaan yang kental dengan semua keluarga dan juga warga sekitar. Karena om dan bulikku yang bisa kubilang cukup ramah ini, ketua RW dan beberapa ketua RT pun “menuakan” mereka berdua meskipun usia mereka masih tergolong muda dibandingkan dengan para pengurus RW dan RT tersebut. Setiap kali ada masalah yang menyangkut urusan kampung atau apa pun, para pengurus tak segan datang ke rumah om Joko dan minta pendapatnya. Tak beda dengan bulik Joko. Tiap kali mendengar ada tetangga yang perlu dibantu –entah karena ada hajatan, atau kematian, atau sedang sakit–, bulik tidak berlambat-lambat untuk memberikan bantuan. Dan buah dari segala kebaikan itu terlihat saat kematiaan bulikku.

Banyak orang di lingkungan itu pun menyatakan keheranannya saat melayat di rumah om Joko. Dalam sejarah kampung Johar Baru, belum pernah ada layatan yang sebesar itu. Mungkin karena pengaruh individu yang besar, biasanya layatan di kampung itu sepi. Pelayat hanya datang melihat jasadnya terus pulang. Namun, hal yang berbeda terjadi saat di rumah omku. Para pelayat setelah melihat jasad tidak langsung pulang, tetapi mereka mencari tempat duduk di luar rumah. Kursi-kursi yang disediakan pun tidak cukup untuk mereka. Namun, mereka tetap bertahan sampai jenazah diberangkatkan di pemakaman. Semula om Joko hanya merencanakan untuk menyewa 2 metromini dan 2 mobil untuk keluarga … ternyata metro mininya full pelayat dan ada lebih dari 10 mobil pribadi dan keluarga yang ikut ke pemakaman di Bekasi. Para tetangga yang rumahnya di tepi jalan besar pun terheran-heran. “Seperti pelayatan seorang pejabat.” Hal itu karena mereka melihat sedemikian banyaknya pelayat yang membanjiri rumah om-ku.

Tidak hanya sampai di situ. Kata om-ku, biasanya jam 9 malam setelah pemakaman, rumah yang berduka itu pun sudah tutup pintu dan tidak ada tamu lain yang datang. Namun, hal itu beda sekali dengan kondisi rumah om-ku. Sampai jam 12 malam pun, masih banyak tetangga sekitar yang bergadang. Beberapa bapak menemani om-ku melalui malam itu. Sampai om-ku pun berpesan kepada bulik Marni dan aku untuk masakin nasi goreng bagi mereka yang sedang bergadang.

Acara tahlilan pun dimulai sejak hari Minggu malam sampai Kamis malam. Yang mengikuti pun selalu lebih dari 50 orang. Selesai tahlilan, para undangan pun masih suka ngobrol sampai tengah malam. Kata mereka sih … menemani om Joko untuk melewati malam.

Selain itu, sejak Senin pagi sampai Rabu pagi, masih banyak teman om Joko yang datang. Mereka adalah teman-temannya di kantornya yang lama dan juga di kantornya yang baru. Sempat aku bertanya, “Apa resepnya, om?” Om-ku sih cuma menjawab, “Ga ada yang istimewa. Aku dan bulikmu almarhum ga melakukan apa-apa. Cuma melakukan kelumrahan dengan tetangga sekitar dan juga dengan teman-teman di kantor.”

Di Jakarta yang terkenal dengan individualismenya yang kental ini, ternyata masih ada orang seperti om Joko dan bulikku almarhum. Setiap kita akan menuai dari setiap hal yang kita tabur. Pilihannya tergantung pada pribadi kita masing-masing. Apa yang hendak kita tabur bagi orang-orang di sekitar kita? Jadikan hidup kita yang singkat ini bisa bermanfaat bagi orang lain.

Jakarta, 23 April 2007